It took great courage to make this bold move. A move that I had been planning all the while taking care of my Mom in my old Maine log cabin in West Newfield. Seventeen months of beautiful nature in a peaceful existence. I would reward myself with something new every other week, from LLBean to add to my needed equipment for this journey.
The reality of my Mom’s condition happened on November 21, 2017. Words cannot describe the emptiness that left me as she left her body to enter the universe. With much strength, I immediately did all that was expected. After Mom’s celebration of her new life December 3, 2017. An immediate series of events took place that kept my mind busy. On Dec 8, 2017, the closing of my home, packed the Uhaul, drove to Fl, unloaded Uhaul to add to my already 3/4 full existing storage unit, interviewed then rehired back at previous employment, drove back to Maine for the Holidays to be with my daughter, then drove back to Florida, went apt hunting, found apt, then unpacked storage into apt. ALL by Myself!! YEEEUP THAT WAS CRAZY. Okay onward, I started back at work at my previous employment. All done prior to 12/31/2017. And yeah I worked my first shift New Year’s Eve. One thing is for sure I cannot make this shit up!! THIS really happened. However, As I write, read, and relive this experience. I feel the labor of the physical work and the holding back of emotions I can see that I was craving the need to maintain normalcy to find my comfort and be in a familiar environment. All while blocking the sensors in all these routines.
Though I was an incredible actress in my past, made great money, new friends, and learned a lot about the industry, foods, wines, PEOPLE. nothing could prepare me for what happened to me next reality slapped me straight in my face. I asked myself, what the hell Am I doing? Why Am I going against everything I worked hard for. My education at The Art Institute of Pittsburgh, the plans I made, the goals I set for myself, dreams that I shared with family and friends. However, only my Mom knew the plan of me going on the road. I shared many ideas with her every day. Stayed up many nights caring for her as well as, sleeping in her room the last six months of her life. Which in turn ignited ideas and my creativity to help me plan this journey, live, educate, volunteer, teach, grow, and share awareness of love for the planet and all beings.
So with all that said I obviously was going about it all wrong. My body started to shake I had no control over it, clearly, my nerves were shot. I had no choice but to give in and grieve. I could not fight it any longer. My much-needed breakdown of tears that I shed consistently for three days in bed, no baths, no appetite, pained with such sadness it felt unbearable. However, I was in my safe place, I used up all my strength before, during and after Mom’s passing. Writing her Eulogy, planning and preparing for her funeral, reception, and to be strong for my children, family, and friends. I don’t even remember crying at her funeral. However, there is a difference between crying tears of sadness and Grief which comes from deep in the core of one’s soul. Finally, on the fourth day I woke up feeling like Tammy again, I tried my best to describe my experience. So as to connect with any of you who have been through this and will GET IT!
The emptiness of my place in space with no tv or radio helped. however, the background noise that filled the void was making me annoyed and irritated, from the outside traffic, road workers, and neighbors. I realized I did not like or appreciate it at all after my time back in my home of tranquility. My whole reality came to focus and these days reignited my awareness so I could see clearly. Cleansed energy Hmmmm sounds good to me 🙂
Now, what I am about to disclose is almost as if it were not real, like a dream. However, it was all very real and I had no choice but to redirect it as being a sign from the universe. And believe me, I listened and I will forever be open and connected. Because it makes perfect sense. The more you pay attention and open up, the gifted you will be. And as I evolve and dive into my adventure I will share with you my experiences in hopes to teach and inspire.
Am going to try to make this short, sweet, and to the point. On day four I started thinking and replanning my next move, per the thought of going back to work for corporate made my gut hurt with much anxiety and my positive, bright light dark. I figured I would do all the steps I had to, till I could figure it all out. As well, I looked up and raised my hands and asked the universe for answers and guidance. Because of my lack of interest to revisit, reinvest and retain was completely embedded in my mind. The optimism was whipped out of me and I had absolutely NO interest whatsoever to go back to work after so much chaos and reality, which put me into sensory overload. The energy turned into a deep sense of regret and anger. My subconscious was working on overload, with feelings of righteousness in my thought system, forcing optimism and redirecting my focus energy to all the plans I had made prior. DID THAT MAKE SENSE? HAHA it does to me. And yes I ate and Edible. Then I started to figure out how to make it happen. And I immediately felt good, exciting with and a sense of purpose and meaning. The power of the mind is such a gift and it’s all a matter of belief and focus and keeping outside influences away.”GET IT”!!
Soon another wave of crazy occurrences happened to me, it came in every direction. First, it started at my apt, I noticed an uninvited critter in my kitchen, as I mentioned prior, the noise from traffic and road workers, which for some reason now I could not stop noticing unless I camouflaged it by cranking my music, which I did. Second, my job really opened my eyes to pay attention, see, feel, and hear the reality. During training I witnessed raging, unappreciative guests yelling at my management and co-workers, REALLY forget about it!! As well, my co-workers expressed how tired, beaten down, and unhappy they were. Constantly bitching and complaining UUGGG ENOUGH ALREADY. The domino effect it has from one person to another. I asked myself, why was I once so accepting of this atmosphere? Clearly, it was time that I needed to focus on things that are more important and shift my habits. To add to this crazy awakeness, I experienced constant mistakes by upper management and in the Human Resource Department all who are clearly, overworked not to mention understaffed just to save a buck to put in someone else’s pocket UUUGG. It all boils down to corporate slavery, every single person is controlled by a fucking dollar bill, sacrificing their happiness, waking up regretting going to work. It is all out of habit, and routine which ends up psychologically affecting your whole being. However, we all have the power to wake up and choose to have balance, nurture ourselves and all beings. Even if you are in a rut or in a consistent challenging environment, think about your dreams, goals and what truly will inspire you and be the ultimate situation that is attainable.
All that I am asking from you all is to add Love, Peace, and Unity to your every day to do list. Shaping up this planet right now is needed IMMEDIATELY! Mother Earth will gift us back with beautiful rainbows, sunrises, sunsets, nutritious food, water, everything we all need and the reason why we exist. Everyone needs to recognize, wake the hell up and stop feeding and making HER bleed with negativity, war, politics, GMO’S, garbage, waste, PLASTIC’S;-/, BEING CONTROLLED, INFLUENCED and REDIRECTED!!!WAKE THE FUCK UP AND PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE!!! Yeup not going to lose my mind on these SIGNs! Look THIS BELOW
Excuse me for not purchasing Grammarly Premium and buying into the bullshit. See its corporations like this that keep us from having a sense of CALM when they use these types of marketing strategies to make $$$. Check this out per FORBES:
“It’s an online service that quickly and easily makes your writing better and makes you sound like a pro, or at least helps you avoid looking like a fool.”
KISS MY IRISH ASS FORBES!!! YOU ARE THE REASON WHY OUR EXISTENCE AND THIS PLANET IS GOING TO SHIT. NOW WHO LOOKS LIKE THE FOOL!!!!!
WHOOPS GETTING HEATED UP….. BREATHE….. and remember Love, Peace, and Unity 🙂 WE NEED TO CHANGE THIS!! ALL OF IT!! YOU SEEEEEE !!
I LOVE BEING PERFECTLY IMPERFECT 🙂 Okay back to my story.
Now, hold tight it gets better, in the cut of my job, place in space, and awareness, I go to my online banking to send money for the first time through Zelle. This really happened PAY ATTENTION, I made a mistake and punched in one number wrong, a 0 instead of a 9. MY MONEY went to a wrong phone number, wrong, unknown person, there is no security for the sender. It went to some random strangers account who just so happen to have Zelle and my money did not go to my landlady. This was over the top because there was nothing my bank could do for 5 weeks, YES, 5 WEEKS. This all happened very quickly and all at the same time, seriously! Again, I can’t make this shit up!! So, as always I looked up and raised my hands in the air and said “ok universe I hear you LOUD AND CLEAR”, the signs were all forcing me to pull out of the current situation and move into my dream destination which felt right 100%.
So, after refusing to pay rent per EVERYTHING, I made a smart conscious decision to finish minimalizing all Mom’s, Children’s, and I’s STUFF. Donated to three charities and move forward. www.womenindistress.org, www.salvationarmyusa.org/usn, www.goodwill.org YES!!!!!, I packed everything and put it all back in storage, on the second level and an above unit (less expensive) using a ladder. However, I went from a 5 by10 to a 5 by 5.
I took off to the Keys with my Fur baby Coconut her breed is Maltese/Pomeranian. We were gone for 10 solid days. Watched sunrises, sunsets, frequented at many great venues, met beautiful, humble people. And I paid attention to everything around me. Even the workers were happy and full of genuine smiles, the energy was refreshing and recognizable. People here are truly appreciative and happy. As well, I visited the Ranch I lived in, on Sugarloaf key, thinking of the pig roasts my Mom and her hippie friends would have often, Me free diving for crawfish with a spear, Mom and Dave would cheer me on every time I’d come up full then they would cook them on the grill. Also, I drove by the school I went to when I was in fourth grade. had many memories of me riding bareback on friends horses named Skywalker, Blazar, Rusty. Wondering about those friends of mine Maria and her brother, as well as Christine who lived down the street from me. I sure do hope to find them again someday.
My getaway to the Keys was a success which allowed me to see and put everything in perspective, by reliving, healing and surrounded myself with positive, like-minded souls. After my trip, I finally was ready to make a solid decision that freed me up from all the negative. Then I started to organize and plan, think outside the norm. Allowing myself to create the strength and courage to take a chance and move forward into the unknown to fulfill my dreams.
My wish is for YOU ALL to hop on daily, Join me on my adventure and ENJOY MY RIDE. Spreading Love, Peace and Unity awareness every step of the way.
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